Baked Brownies

Something I have decided:

I need to chill the fuck out.

Really. Frankly. Honestly. Lately I have been so intense. About everything. Notably the future, which is scary and big. 

And this just 


It is summer baby. 

You are not supposed to worry about things like:

-who you are going to be when you are thirty
-some people have children by the age of thirty
-my god someday i will be thirty

I am getting so ahead of myself. 

Deep breaths all around. 

I tell myself to just appreciate the sky. 

Only lately, I do this and then I am wondering about infinity and thinking about how small and insignificant I am and that is also scary as fuck because I am going to be dead eventually and then the particles that make up my soul are just going to be space, 

which actually isn't even that scary, it's just cool. But that is also more thinking than I need to be doing right now.

Also, I need to take more naps. 

The point is. 

I should just eat some brownies and calm down. 

The chocolate helps with anxiety. 

It's science.

Or whatever. 

I have always had really mixed feelings about brownies. Mainly because I feel like they are the ultimate copout dessert. Everyone can make brownies. And everyone does make brownies. Brownies are not original, thoughtful, or even particularly interesting. They're just- brownies. 
On the other hand, a beautiful brownie is just... heavenly. 

These are heavenly brownies. 

With five eggs, a cup of butter and 12 ounces of dark chocolate chips, eaten with a bowl of vanilla ice cream, how could they not be heavenly? 

This is real talk. 

Anyways, I eat these and get progressively fatter, but also progressively happier. And that is a very good thing. 

My mother was telling me how many small happinesses can rest in simple routines and habits. And that I should work to order and routine and habit things in my head and life as a way to get rid of the anxiousness I feel about the future. Because lately, everything I have done has been disordered and out of habit and routine. 
Perhaps she is right. 

But for the time being, I really just want to eat more brownies. 


Baked Brownies
from Baked: New Frontiers in Baking by Matt Lewis and Renato Poliafito

These are really really really outrageously good. I mean it. SO GOOD. Best Brownies EVAH. Trust me. 

1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons dark unsweetened cocoa powder
11 ounces dark chocolate (60 to 72% cacoa) coarsely chopped
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, cut into 1 inch pieces
1 teaspoon instant espresso powder
1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar, firmly packed
5 large eggs, at room temperature
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Butter the sides and bottom of a 9 by 13 inch glass or light colored metal baking pan. 
In a medium bowl, whisk the flour, salt and cocoa powder together. 
Put the chocolate, butter and instant espresso powder in a large bowl and set it over a sauce pan of simmering water, stirring occasionally, until the chocolate and butter are completely melted and smooth. Turn off the heat, but keep the bowl over the water and add the sugars. Whisk until completely combined, the remove the bowl from the pan. The mixture should be room temperature. 
Add 3 eggs to the chocolate mixture and whisk until combined. Add the remaining eggs and whisk until combined. Add the vanilla and stir until combined. Do not overbeat the batter at this stage or your brownies will be cakey. 
Sprinkle the flour mixture over the chocolate mixture. Using a spatula (NOT a whisk), fold the flour mixture into the chocolate until just a bit of the flour mixture is visible. 
Pour the batter into the prepared pan and smooth the top. Bake in the center of the oven for 30 minutes, rotating the pan halfway through the baking time, until a toothpick inserted into the center of the brownies comes out with a few moist crumbs sticking to it. Let the brownies cool completely, then cut them into squares and serve. 
Yeah baby.