Everything feels vaguely transitional right now.
I realize that I write a lot here about the seasons. Maybe because in Texas, the distinction between each one is blurry. Summer feels like it lasts through October, and Halloween is always unbearably sticky and hot. But right now, despite billowy clouds and the sun and heat, there’s some tangible change of atmosphere or the color of the light that suddenly feels like fall.
I keep remembering last autumn, and where I went and who I talked to and what I did. The memories aren’t bad, but they aren’t exactly good either. Reconciling the differences between the past and present is impossible and strange. My best friends are scattered around the world now, and we all used to just lie in my bed and eat bowls of pasta and wonder about what we’d be doing this time next year.
And now this time next year is here, and I’m sitting in my bed and somehow I’m not even hungry.
I haven’t had much of an appetite lately. Of course I’m hungry all the time like a normal person, but I haven’t craved anything in a long time. Foods I normally turn to haven’t appealed to me. Instead I eat hefty sandwiches that keep me full for a while, because they are quick to prepare and even quicker to put away.
There’s not a lot and also too much to tell you— but I don’t know how to go about it in a way that’s satisfying for both of us. This has been such a strange year, though I feel that it’s getting better all the time. I’m trying to figure out what I want. And learning that perhaps this takes a lot of time, and perhaps a lot of trial and error.
In the meantime, I’m eating sandwiches.
Here is how I make my sandwiches.
I like to make them on good bread, such as a nice baguette. The real secret to good sandwiches is that there be a lot of moisture— I like to drizzle olive oil inside of the sandwich to soften the bread, or spread a spoonful of hummus. I am partial to provolone and brie in my sandwiches. And maybe add a protein such as turkey or salami or sausage. And then what I really like to do to elevate the whole thing— is roast some vegetables, such as zucchini or tomatoes in the oven at about 450 F for 20 minutes. To roast them, slice your vegetables into thin slices and then sprinkle everything with red pepper flakes and salt and pepper. And roast until everything is browning and cooked through. And then you spoon the steaming ribbons of zucchini into the sandwich and everything is melting and drippy and wonderful.
So that’s all I got.
I love you.